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Hey everyone, In
today’s post I want to talk about an important emotion that we all experience
at some point or another: SHAME!
It’s that
uncomfortable, embarrassing, guilty feeling we get when we’ve done something
wrong or when others make us feel bad about ourselves or a situation. It’s a
pretty heavy emotion, but it’s something we all have to deal with in our
lives, and in the case of child abuse, victims deal with it every dam
day!
It involves a
deep feeling of unworthiness or humiliation, often accompanied by a desire to
hide or withdraw from others like they have done something wrong against
society’s standards or expectations.
Shame is indeed an
emotion, it manifests as a feeling within us.
Whether you are
struggling with shame yourself or are interested in understanding it better,
this post aims to provide valuable insights and guidance on navigating this
challenging emotional landscape.
Hidden
Powers and Purposes of Feelings (Revealed)
Without
emotions, we cannot feel good or bad in our lives. Consider this:
To truly
appreciate happiness, we must first understand the depths of sadness. To
truly understand the positive, we must first feel the negative.
This just reminding me of Ed Shreen Song “Passenger” which beautifully illustrates the importance of understanding and learning from our emotions and feelings.
Emotions are actually chemicals released in
response to our interpretation of a specific trigger. Once an emotion is
generated, feelings arise in our body.
The Roots of Shame: Uncovering the Hidden Factors
Shame
can arise from both inside us, like our own beliefs and values, and outside us,
like what society expects and how it judges us.
Shame
can be triggered by various factors, including:
Social
Norms and Expectations: When
the individual believe that they have failed to meet societal or cultural
standards of behavior, appearance, or achievement, they may experience shame.
Example:
Experiencing
judgment from peers for choosing to pursue a non-traditional hobby or career
path, creates feelings of judgment, shame, and hesitation in disclosing it
proudly in social settings.
Feeling
scared and embarrassed when a parent hurts you, but you don’t tell anyone
because you’re worried about what people might think if they find out.
Feeling
shameful, coming from a middle-class family, among rich-class fellows. Due to
shame emotion, one may feel embarrassed, and uncomfortable, resulting in low
self-esteem.
Criticism and Rejection: Being
criticized, rejected, or ridiculed by others, whether directly or indirectly,
can trigger feelings of shame and inadequacy. basically, these judgments are
like a harsh spotlight on our faults and weaknesses, and they can really mess
with our self-confidence.
Example:
Feeling ashamed
and inadequate after receiving a rejection letter from a job application, a
person may feel shame discussing this topic, leading to self-doubt about their
abilities and worth.
Feeling Ashamed
of love rejection may lead to a generalized opinion that love is not good a
feeling or should not proposed first.
Comparisons: Comparing
oneself unfavorably to others, particularly in terms of achievements,
possessions, appearance, and family status, parent’s work profiles etc. can
lead to feelings of inferiority and shame.
Example:
Sneha
scrolling through social media, and sees a post from a friend who just got
promoted at work, bought a new house, or went on a glamorous vacation, and
suddenly, she starts feeling like she is not successful enough, not good
enough, or not attractive enough. She starts thinking, “Why can’t I have
that? Why am I not as successful/attractive/happy as they are?”
These
comparisons can be a real killer for your self-esteem and can easily lead to
feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, and Shame.
Mistakes and Failures: Making mistakes
or experiencing failures can evoke feelings of shame, especially if individuals
believe they should have been able to prevent or avoid them.
Example:
Feeling
ashamed and disappointed after receiving a poor grade on a test, leading to
judgmental shame by others, self-doubt, and questioning own abilities.
Experiencing
shame after failing a driving test, leads to a feeling of inadequacy and
self-blame for not performing better and sometimes person gives up trying again
or avoid such topic discussion due to shame.
Trauma and Childhood Abuse: Trauma
and abuse can cause long-lasting scars, both physical and emotional. One of the
worst things that can happen after abuse is the victim feeling ashamed like the
abuse was their fault.
This
is a huge problem in our society, where people who commit horrible acts are
protected, and their victims are blamed and disbelieved. This backward system
keeps people from coming forward and speaking out about their abuse. This
vicious cycle of silence and self-blame keeps victims stuck in shame and
self-loathing, making it harder for them to heal and move forward. We need to
stop protecting abusers and shaming victims. We need to support victims and
hold abusers accountable.
Perceived Inadequacy: Childhood trauma and abuse may lead to a
feeling of inadequacy or “not good enough” in various areas of the life
of a victim, such as relationships, work, or personal accomplishments, which can
trigger shame.
Example:
Imagine
Priya, haunted by childhood abuse. Though she’s ace at school, she still feels
not good enough. At work, even when she is efficient, doubts cloud her
confidence. In relationships, she’s always tries to seek approval, scared of
being rejected because she perceives herself as inadequate. Every stumble
brings a flood of shame, a reminder of old hurts.
Guilt and Self-Blame: Feeling guilty
about past actions or choices, particularly if they have hurt others, can lead
to shame, especially if individuals internalize the belief that they are
inherently flawed or unworthy.
Cultural and Religious Beliefs: Cultural and
religious beliefs about morality, purity, and propriety can contribute to
feelings of shame when individuals perceive themselves as falling short of
these ideals.
Understanding
these triggers can help individuals identify and address the underlying sources
of shame and develop healthier coping mechanisms.
Understanding the Impact of
Childhood Sexual Abuse
Child
abuse can exacerbate feelings of shame in various ways, often intertwining with
societal expectations and judgments:
Societal Expectations of Family Dynamics: Society
often promotes an idealized image of the family unit, emphasizing love, care,
and support. When a child experiences abuse within their family, it contradicts
these societal expectations, leading to a sense of shame. The child may feel
ashamed of their family situation and fear judgment from others if they reveal
the abuse.
Judgment from Others: Children who
experience abuse may also face judgment from others if they disclose their
experiences. Society may blame or stigmatize the child or their family, leading
to feelings of shame and isolation. This fear of judgment can prevent children
from seeking help or speaking out about the abuse, further exacerbating their
sense of shame.
Internalization of Blame: Children
who are abused may internalize feelings of guilt and blame, believing that they
are somehow responsible for the abuse. This internalized shame can be
reinforced by societal attitudes that blame victims for their experiences. As a
result, abused children may struggle with feelings of shame and self-loathing,
believing that they are unworthy or deserving of the abuse they endured.
In
short, societal expectations and judgments can intersect with experiences of
child abuse, exacerbating feelings of shame and preventing children from
seeking help or speaking out about their experiences. It’s crucial for society
to challenge harmful attitudes and stereotypes surrounding child abuse and
provide support and resources for affected individuals to overcome feelings of
shame and heal from their trauma.
In
adulthood, survivors of childhood sexual abuse may continue to grapple with
shame, which can manifest in various ways in their life.
They
may struggle with intimacy, have difficulty expressing their emotions, or
experience feelings of inadequacy in different areas of their lives, such as
work, relationships, and self-image.
Conquer Shame: Strategies for Overcoming Self-Judgment and Building Confidence
Overcoming
shame caused by the actions of others can be challenging, but there are several
techniques that may help:
Recognize the Source: Understand that the shame you’re feeling is a
result of someone else’s actions or words, not a reflection of your worth or
identity. Recognizing the source of the shame can help you separate yourself
from it and prevent it from defining you. A colleague’s public criticism can
cause you to feel ashamed, but recognizing the source of this shame as a colleague’s
behavior, rather than a personal flaw, can help you maintain self-worth.
Set Boundaries: Establish clear
boundaries with the person who triggered your feelings of shame. Communicate
assertively about how their actions or words affected you and what behaviors
are unacceptable to you in the future. Setting boundaries can help protect your
self-esteem and prevent similar incidents from occurring.
Practice Self-Compassion: Treat
yourself with kindness and understanding, acknowledging that you’re experiencing
a difficult emotion as a result of someone else’s actions. Practice
self-compassion by offering yourself the same empathy and support that you
would offer to a friend in a similar situation.
Write
a letter by addressing yourself as if you are writing to a dear friend. Acknowledge a
specific situation or challenge you’re currently facing that is causing you
distress. Describe the situation briefly but with enough detail to clarify it
in your mind. Offer
words of kindness and encouragement to yourself. Imagine what you would say to
a friend who is going through something similar. Be gentle and supportive.
once you’ve
completed writing the letter, read it aloud to yourself. Pay attention to the
emotions that arise as you read each sentence. Notice any shifts in how you feel towards
yourself. Allow yourself to receive the kindness and compassion you’ve
expressed in the letter.
Challenge Negative Thoughts: Challenge
any negative beliefs or thoughts about yourself that arise as a result of the
other person’s actions. Remind yourself of your inherent worth and strengths,
and question the validity of any beliefs that suggest otherwise. Technique 2
Focus on What You Can Control: Shift your
focus away from the actions of the other person and toward what you can control
in the situation. This might include how you choose to respond, how you take
care of yourself, and how you set boundaries to protect your well-being. Technique 1
Seek Support: Reach out to trusted friends, family members,
or a therapist for support and validation. Sharing your experiences with others
who can offer empathy and understanding can help alleviate feelings of shame
and isolation.
Practice Forgiveness: Consider practicing forgiveness as a way to
release yourself from the grip of shame and resentment. This doesn’t
necessarily mean condoning or excusing the other person’s actions, but rather
freeing yourself from the emotional burden of holding onto anger and
bitterness.
Focus on Personal Growth: Use
the experience as an opportunity for personal growth and learning. Reflect on
what you can learn from the situation and how you can emerge stronger and more
resilient as a result.
Remember
that overcoming shame caused by others’ actions is a process that takes time
and self-compassion. Be patient with yourself and allow yourself to heal at
your own pace. Healing from the deep-rooted shame caused by childhood abuse can
seem impossible, but with patience and self-compassion, you can learn to see
yourself through different eyes
You are not defined by
your past experiences or the words of others!
