What Is The Right Way To Tackle Getting Rid of Guilt?

We’re not supposed to just get rid of emotions as they contain valuable information that guides and grows us if approached correctly and without resistance or judgment. This goes for any emotion. Be it shame, fear, anxiety, apathy, anger, joy, courage, sadness, grief and guilt. Here’s how you approach guilt the healthy way:

Understand the Purpose

The whole purpose of guilt is to make us aware when we are behaving and acting out of character, when we are losing or compromising our integrity and when we did something wrong or hurt someone else. So, when we feel guilty, it’s a sign that our moral compass is still working.

Discover and Reflect on Guilt Nature

Dive deep into the heart of guilt and discover whether it is a friend or foe in your life.

Explore the difference between rational and irrational guilt, and learn how to distinguish your emotions. #Discover how to untangle the complexities of guilt and understand the underlying reasons for your feelings.

Rational Guilt

It’s a feeling of remorse and regret that we experience when we really screwed up or when, whatever we said or did directly caused harm on another. I.e. when you cheated on someone or physically hurt them. This is the type of guilt we are supposed to act on through apologizing, improving our #behaviour and committing to growth.

Those feelings of remorse and regret are supposed to hold you accountable and to show you in what areas you’re not acting in accordance to who you think you are and to who you want to be. When you act on this guilt, it greatly helps to forgive yourself and to let it go.

Irrational Guilt

Irrational #guilt is based on low #self-esteem and experienced when you take responsibility for things you didn’t do and aren’t responsible for at all.

I.e. when you feel guilty for ending a relationship that was toxic to both you and the other. Why isn’t it productive to feel guilty for ending it? Because you’ve been real and did what you thought was best for you and them.

Never apologize or feel guilty for being real.

This type of guilt has to be approached with a focus on building stronger boundaries. On reminding yourself what you can and cannot control, what you are responsible for and what you aren’t responsible for.

Forgive Yourself

It can be very difficult to forgive yourself when you royally screwed up and know for a fact that whatever suffering someone else experiences is the by product and consequence of your words, actions, decisions and behaviours. However, as long as you are committed to personal growth, genuinely apologize and improve your behavior, it’s safe to forgive yourself for and grow through past mistakes since you hold yourself accountable and fully understand why the thing you said or did was wrong.

Call it guilt, fear, anger, or hatred – essentially, it means your thoughts and emotions are working against you – Sadhguru

As for the other person that got hurt, you cannot control if and when they accept your apology.

They may never forgive you or they may find the space in their heart to let go of the past and move on. However, if they do the latter, it doesn’t mean they will take you back.

All it means is that they freed themselves from the resentment that kept poisoning them.

#Practice mindfulness techniques to help you detach from your thoughts and emotions.

By Guest Author:

shame

Hey everyone, In
today’s post I want to talk about an important emotion that we all experience
at some point or another: SHAME!

It’s that
uncomfortable, embarrassing, guilty feeling we get when we’ve done something
wrong or when others make us feel bad about ourselves or a situation. It’s a
pretty heavy emotion, but it’s something we all have to deal with in our
lives, and in the case of child abuse, victims deal with it every dam
day!

It involves a
deep feeling of unworthiness or humiliation, often accompanied by a desire to
hide or withdraw from others like they have done something wrong against
society’s standards or expectations. 

Shame is indeed an
emotion, it manifests as a feeling within us.

Whether you are
struggling with shame yourself or are interested in understanding it better,
this post aims to provide valuable insights and guidance on navigating this
challenging emotional landscape.

Hidden
Powers and Purposes of Feelings (Revealed)

Without
emotions, we cannot feel good or bad in our lives. Consider this: 

To truly
appreciate happiness, we must first understand the depths of sadness. To
truly understand the positive, we must first feel the negative.

This just reminding me of  Ed Shreen Song “Passenger” which beautifully illustrates the importance of understanding and learning from our emotions and feelings.

Emotions are actually chemicals released in
response to our interpretation of a specific trigger. Once an emotion is
generated, feelings arise in our body.

The Roots of Shame: Uncovering the Hidden Factors

Shame
can arise from both inside us, like our own beliefs and values, and outside us,
like what society expects and how it judges us. 

Shame
can be triggered by various factors, including:

Social
Norms and Expectations: When
the individual believe that they have failed to meet societal or cultural
standards of behavior, appearance, or achievement, they may experience shame. 

Example: 

Experiencing
judgment from peers for choosing to pursue a non-traditional hobby or career
path, creates feelings of judgment, shame, and hesitation in disclosing it
proudly in social settings.

Feeling
scared and embarrassed when a parent hurts you, but you don’t tell anyone
because you’re worried about what people might think if they find out.

Feeling
shameful, coming from a middle-class family, among rich-class fellows. Due to
shame emotion, one may feel embarrassed, and uncomfortable, resulting in low
self-esteem.

Criticism and Rejection: Being
criticized, rejected, or ridiculed by others, whether directly or indirectly,
can trigger feelings of shame and inadequacy. basically, these judgments are
like a harsh spotlight on our faults and weaknesses, and they can really mess
with our self-confidence.

Example: 

Feeling ashamed
and inadequate after receiving a rejection letter from a job application, a
person may feel shame discussing this topic, leading to self-doubt about their
abilities and worth.

Feeling Ashamed
of love rejection may lead to a generalized opinion that love is not good a
feeling or should not proposed first.

 

Comparisons: Comparing
oneself unfavorably to others, particularly in terms of achievements,
possessions, appearance, and family status, parent’s work profiles etc. can
lead to feelings of inferiority and shame.

Example:

Sneha
scrolling through social media, and sees a post from a friend who just got
promoted at work, bought a new house, or went on a glamorous vacation, and
suddenly, she starts feeling like she is not successful enough, not good
enough, or not attractive enough. She starts thinking, “Why can’t I have
that? Why am I not as successful/attractive/happy as they are?”

These
comparisons can be a real killer for your self-esteem and can easily lead to
feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, and Shame.

Mistakes and Failures: Making mistakes
or experiencing failures can evoke feelings of shame, especially if individuals
believe they should have been able to prevent or avoid them.

Example:

Feeling
ashamed and disappointed after receiving a poor grade on a test, leading to
judgmental shame by others, self-doubt, and questioning own abilities.

Experiencing
shame after failing a driving test, leads to a feeling of inadequacy and
self-blame for not performing better and sometimes person gives up trying again
or avoid such topic discussion due to shame.

Trauma and Childhood Abuse: Trauma
and abuse can cause long-lasting scars, both physical and emotional. One of the
worst things that can happen after abuse is the victim feeling ashamed like the
abuse was their fault.

This
is a huge problem in our society, where people who commit horrible acts are
protected, and their victims are blamed and disbelieved. This backward system
keeps people from coming forward and speaking out about their abuse. This
vicious cycle of silence and self-blame keeps victims stuck in shame and
self-loathing, making it harder for them to heal and move forward. We need to
stop protecting abusers and shaming victims. We need to support victims and
hold abusers accountable.

Perceived Inadequacy: Childhood trauma and abuse may lead to a
feeling of inadequacy or “not good enough” in various areas of the life
of a victim, such as relationships, work, or personal accomplishments, which can
trigger shame.

Example:

Imagine
Priya, haunted by childhood abuse. Though she’s ace at school, she still feels
not good enough. At work, even when she is efficient, doubts cloud her
confidence. In relationships, she’s always tries to seek approval, scared of
being rejected because she perceives herself as inadequate. Every stumble
brings a flood of shame, a reminder of old hurts.

Guilt and Self-Blame: Feeling guilty
about past actions or choices, particularly if they have hurt others, can lead
to shame, especially if individuals internalize the belief that they are
inherently flawed or unworthy.

Cultural and Religious Beliefs: Cultural and
religious beliefs about morality, purity, and propriety can contribute to
feelings of shame when individuals perceive themselves as falling short of
these ideals. 

Understanding
these triggers can help individuals identify and address the underlying sources
of shame and develop healthier coping mechanisms.

Understanding the Impact of
Childhood Sexual Abuse

Child
abuse can exacerbate feelings of shame in various ways, often intertwining with
societal expectations and judgments:

Societal Expectations of Family Dynamics: Society
often promotes an idealized image of the family unit, emphasizing love, care,
and support. When a child experiences abuse within their family, it contradicts
these societal expectations, leading to a sense of shame. The child may feel
ashamed of their family situation and fear judgment from others if they reveal
the abuse.

Judgment from Others: Children who
experience abuse may also face judgment from others if they disclose their
experiences. Society may blame or stigmatize the child or their family, leading
to feelings of shame and isolation. This fear of judgment can prevent children
from seeking help or speaking out about the abuse, further exacerbating their
sense of shame.

Internalization of Blame: Children
who are abused may internalize feelings of guilt and blame, believing that they
are somehow responsible for the abuse. This internalized shame can be
reinforced by societal attitudes that blame victims for their experiences. As a
result, abused children may struggle with feelings of shame and self-loathing,
believing that they are unworthy or deserving of the abuse they endured.

In
short, societal expectations and judgments can intersect with experiences of
child abuse, exacerbating feelings of shame and preventing children from
seeking help or speaking out about their experiences. It’s crucial for society
to challenge harmful attitudes and stereotypes surrounding child abuse and
provide support and resources for affected individuals to overcome feelings of
shame and heal from their trauma.

In
adulthood, survivors of childhood sexual abuse may continue to grapple with
shame, which can manifest in various ways in their life.

They
may struggle with intimacy, have difficulty expressing their emotions, or
experience feelings of inadequacy in different areas of their lives, such as
work, relationships, and self-image.

Conquer Shame: Strategies for Overcoming Self-Judgment and Building Confidence

Overcoming
shame caused by the actions of others can be challenging, but there are several
techniques that may help:

Recognize the Source: Understand that the shame you’re feeling is a
result of someone else’s actions or words, not a reflection of your worth or
identity. Recognizing the source of the shame can help you separate yourself
from it and prevent it from defining you. A colleague’s public criticism can
cause you to feel ashamed, but recognizing the source of this shame as a colleague’s
behavior, rather than a personal flaw, can help you maintain self-worth.

Set Boundaries: Establish clear
boundaries with the person who triggered your feelings of shame. Communicate
assertively about how their actions or words affected you and what behaviors
are unacceptable to you in the future. Setting boundaries can help protect your
self-esteem and prevent similar incidents from occurring.

Practice Self-Compassion: Treat
yourself with kindness and understanding, acknowledging that you’re experiencing
a difficult emotion as a result of someone else’s actions. Practice
self-compassion by offering yourself the same empathy and support that you
would offer to a friend in a similar situation.

Write
a letter by addressing yourself as if you are writing to a dear friend. Acknowledge a
specific situation or challenge you’re currently facing that is causing you
distress. Describe the situation briefly but with enough detail to clarify it
in your mind. Offer
words of kindness and encouragement to yourself. Imagine what you would say to
a friend who is going through something similar. Be gentle and supportive.
once you’ve
completed writing the letter, read it aloud to yourself. Pay attention to the
emotions that arise as you read each sentence. Notice any shifts in how you feel towards
yourself. Allow yourself to receive the kindness and compassion you’ve
expressed in the letter.

Challenge Negative Thoughts: Challenge
any negative beliefs or thoughts about yourself that arise as a result of the
other person’s actions. Remind yourself of your inherent worth and strengths,
and question the validity of any beliefs that suggest otherwise. Technique 2

Focus on What You Can Control: Shift your
focus away from the actions of the other person and toward what you can control
in the situation. This might include how you choose to respond, how you take
care of yourself, and how you set boundaries to protect your well-being. Technique 1

Seek Support: Reach out to trusted friends, family members,
or a therapist for support and validation. Sharing your experiences with others
who can offer empathy and understanding can help alleviate feelings of shame
and isolation.

Practice Forgiveness: Consider practicing forgiveness as a way to
release yourself from the grip of shame and resentment. This doesn’t
necessarily mean condoning or excusing the other person’s actions, but rather
freeing yourself from the emotional burden of holding onto anger and
bitterness.

Focus on Personal Growth: Use
the experience as an opportunity for personal growth and learning. Reflect on
what you can learn from the situation and how you can emerge stronger and more
resilient as a result.

Remember
that overcoming shame caused by others’ actions is a process that takes time
and self-compassion. Be patient with yourself and allow yourself to heal at
your own pace. Healing from the deep-rooted shame caused by childhood abuse can
seem impossible, but with patience and self-compassion, you can learn to see
yourself through different eyes

You are not defined by
your past experiences or the words of others!

 

Ever found yourself doing something, then feeling guilty or regret about it later?

I did that because ………………”and you start justifying it to yourself over and over?

A nagging voice in your head kicks in time to time, questioning your choices?

Feels embarrassed or ashamed about something you’ve done, desperately trying to keep it under wraps from others?

You end up doing stuff just because everyone else is doing it, or because you’re afraid of missing out, even if it’s not really your cup of tea?

So, you been there, right?

This post for you, my dear friends! Let’s explore underline cause of these inner conflicts to resolve and empower ourselves by becoming ted more smart, aware and mindful to cope with these unexplainable thoughts. We’re not alone in this struggle! It’s like a secret club of self-doubters and overthinkers.

Overview :

In psychology, the term “Inner conflict” is known as “cognitive dissonance.”

When an individual holds conflicting beliefs, attitudes, or values, or when their actions are inconsistent with their beliefs or attitudes, a sense of discomfort or tension arises in the mind, often manifesting as feelings of guilt, anxiety, stress, or even confusion.  

Cognitive dissonance is common phenomenon for people to engage in internal chat with themselves when they’re trying to figure out their emotions and feelings after doing something.

It’s a fundamental concept in psychology and has significant implications for understanding decision-making, attitude change, and behaviour. Sometimes, what you thought and what you did don’t quite match up, and that can make you feel uneasy or guilty. 

Mismatches Between Your Beliefs and Actions can lead to feelings of discomfort, but you know what? Sometimes feeling that discomfort can actually help you grow and change

Values & Belief Conflicts: 

Value Conflicts are an inevitable part of human life. Guilt and discomfort arise when our actions or decisions contradict our deeply held values. Individuals’ beliefs, principles, or priorities clash with those of others. While these conflicts may seem purely intellectual or philosophical, their psychological ramifications can be profound. 

Values: Provide a sense of purpose and direction (a core principle)

Beliefs: Shape our attitudes and perceptions.

Example 1: someone who deeply value environment protection. They might feel pretty uneasy if their job involves working for a company that’s all about making polythene, which isn’t exactly eco-friendly. 

Example 2: Imagine someone whose core value is Honesty. If they end up having to lie in court because they have a personal relationship with the person on trial, that could really mess with their head leaving them feeling guilt, Shame, or self-doubt, as the person acted in a way that feels dishonest and contrary to their identity of Honesty

Such inner conflict might spill over into their behaviour and responses, causing issues that complicate their relationships with others and even identity crisis, where the individual feels disconnected from their true self, unsure of who they are or what they truly stand for anymore.

Example 3: Someone who deeply value environment protection. They might feel pretty uneasy if their job involves working for a company that’s all about making polythene, which isn’t exactly eco-friendly.

Working for such company, the person is conflicted, as their job supports a product that goes against their environmental values. This creates guilt and frustration, as they struggle to reconcile their passion for protecting the planet with their role. They may start to feel like a hypocrite, torn between their beliefs and their job, which causes guilt, frustration, and internal turmoil.

Few Common Examples of Conflicting Value & Beliefs we’ve all noticed in our own lives :

• You want to be healthy, but you don’t exercise regularly or while dieting often have cheat meals. You feel guilty as a result because your value is “Health is important”. Result of the contradiction between Value (“Health is important”) and belief (that they should exercise regularly and avoid cheat meals) is guilt
• Your Belief(Perception) is that “Smoking/Drinking is harmful to health,” but you do it anyway. You rationalize this action by valuing immediate relief from stress and believing that it helps you feel a sense of control over the consequences. This rationalization helps ease the guilt or discomfort caused by the conflict.
• You’d like to build up your savings (Core Value), but you often spend extra cash as soon as you get it, going against your core value. Later, you regret this decision, especially when faced with an unexpected expense that you can’t cover. This conflict between your actions and your value leads to feelings of regret or guilt.
• You have a long to-do list but spend the day watching your favourite shows or Instagram reels instead. Feeling guilty for not being productive, you don’t want your spouse to know, so you try to make it look like you’ve worked hard all day. This creates a conflict between your intentions (getting things done) and your actions, leading to feelings of guilt and dishonesty.

Remember, it’s natural to encounter conflicts between values and beliefs. What’s important is how you navigate them with integrity and mindfulness.

Challenges Of Value & Belief Conflicts 

1. The Burden of Moral Agony:

Moral turmoil occurs when we recognize the morally correct course of action but find ourselves unable to act or fulfil it due to external constraints or conflicting values. This clash between our ethical beliefs and situational limitations can evoke emotions of guilt, frustration, and powerlessness. 

Consider a passionate animal lover who works at a company that conducts animal testing for cosmetic products. This conflict between his values and job responsibilities can cause significant inner turmoil and ethical dilemmas.

2. Navigating Identity Crises:

Identity Struggle often arise when our core beliefs are closely linked to our self-perception. Confronted with opposing values or societal expectations, we may engage in introspection, re-evaluating our own identity, beliefs, and life’s direction. This internal struggle can evoke emotions of confusion, anxiety, and a decline in self-confidence.

Example: Imagine someone who’s always focused on making money, but suddenly feels drawn to a creative job that doesn’t pay well. They’re torn between what they’ve always been taught and what truly makes them happy. This makes them doubt themselves, their beliefs, and where they’re headed in life, leading to feelings of confusion and anxiety. These thoughts can make them feel unsure of themselves and less confident than before. 

Technique To Resolve Conflicting Value & Beliefs

1. Values Clarification Exercise:

Identify Core Values: Take some time to reflect on your core values – those principles or beliefs that are most important to you. For example, you might list Health, Honesty, Compassion, Family, Career success, or Personal growth.

Rank Your Values: Once you have a list of values, prioritize them based on their importance to you. Consider which values you are not willing to compromise on and which ones are more flexible. For instance, you might rank family as your top value, followed by honesty and career success.

Identify Conflicting Beliefs: Reflect on specific situations where you have experienced confusion or guilt due to conflicting beliefs or values. For example, you might recall a time when you had to choose between being honest with a friend and protecting their feelings, which challenged your value of honesty against your value of compassion.

Explore the Origins: Dive deeper into the origins of your values and beliefs. Consider how your upbringing, culture, past experiences, and influential figures have shaped your worldview. For instance, you might reflect on how your parents’ emphasis on honesty and integrity influenced your own values.

Re-evaluate Assumptions: Challenge any assumptions or beliefs that may be contributing to the conflict. Ask yourself why you hold certain beliefs and whether they are based on evidence, personal experience, or societal norms. For example, you might question whether your belief that success requires sacrificing personal relationships is valid or if it’s a societal stereotype.

Seek Resolution : Look for ways to reconcile conflicting values or beliefs. Explore alternative perspectives, compromise solutions, or reframing techniques that allow you to integrate different viewpoints while staying true to your core values. For instance, you might find a compromise by being honest with your friend in a gentle and empathetic way, thus honoring both honesty and compassion.

Take Action: Implement the resolution strategies you have identified in real-life situations. Practice living in alignment with your core values while navigating conflicting beliefs with integrity and authenticity. For example, you might choose to prioritize honesty in your interactions with others while also considering their feelings and well-being.

Reflect and Adjust: Regularly reflect on your experiences and decisions in light of your core values. Evaluate whether your actions align with your values and beliefs, and make adjustments as needed to maintain congruence and inner harmony. For instance, you might reflect on how your recent actions have aligned with your core values of honesty and compassion, and adjust your behavior accordingly in future situations.

By engaging in values clarification exercise, you will gain clarity on your core values, identify conflicting beliefs, and develop strategies to reconcile them effectively. This process enables you to make confident decisions and take action without experiencing guilt or anxiety afterward, resulting in increased fulfilment and well-being. If you find it challenging to conduct the exercise independently, feel free to reach out to me for personalized guidance at revive2thrivewithmg@gmail.com

2. Reframing:

Reframing is basically shifting or rewiring our perspective or interpretation of a situation in order to change its meaning and reduce mental distress. When faced with conflicting beliefs, emotions, or values, reframing allows us to view the situation in a more positive or constructive light, which can help us alleviate inner turmoil and promote mental well-being. 

This technique involves consciously challenging negative or unhelpful thoughts and replacing them with more adaptive or empowering perspectives, ultimately leading to greater clarity, resilience, and inner peace.

1. Belief in independence Vs. belief in family Commitment.

Reframe: Instead of seeing independence and family commitment as opposing values, view them as complementary. Embrace independence while also maintaining strong connections with family members.

2. Belief in ambition or following passion Vs. belief in work-life balance.

Reframe: Rather than viewing ambition and work-life balance as conflicting, see them as mutually beneficial. Pursue ambitious goals while also prioritizing self-care and personal well-being.

3. Belief in honesty Vs. belief in diplomacy.

Reframe: Instead of perceiving honesty and diplomacy as contradictory, recognize them as complementary approaches to communication. Practice honesty with tact and sensitivity, finding diplomatic ways to express truth.

4. Belief in tradition Vs. belief in progress.

Reframe: Instead of seeing tradition and progress as opposing forces, acknowledge that traditions can evolve over time to embrace new ideas and innovations. Honor tradition while also embracing positive change and growth.

5. Belief in individual freedom Vs. belief in social responsibility.

Reframe: Rather than viewing individual freedom and social responsibility as conflicting, see them as interconnected. Exercise personal freedom while also recognizing the importance of contributing to the well-being of society. 

These reframes helps to shift perspective and encourage a more nuanced understanding of conflicting values and beliefs, ultimately promoting harmony & peace within.

Value conflicts are an inherent part of the human experience, challenging us to reconcile competing beliefs, principles, and priorities. By understanding the psychological impact of these conflicts and adopting strategies for resolution, we can navigate them with greater resilience, integrity, and compassion, fostering greater harmony and understanding in our relationships and communities.